20. Mistakes to Avoid in Writing Copy

     “Rumble, rumble, rumble! A horse-drawn carriage carries you along a cobblestone street. On the edge of a harbor, you see a charmingly quaint city from an earlier day. Each house and building is over 160 years old. A chill hits you in the face. Where are you? You’re in ‘America’s Most Charming City,’ Charleston, South Carolina! 100,000 people live there.”

Don’t talk down to people.

     “Rumble, rumble, rumble!” “Where are you?” (You might try something more grown up.)

Don’t say anything negative about your product or service.

     “A chill hits you in the face.” Doesn’t that sound unpleasant?

Don’t begin a sentence with a digit; begin it with a word.

     “100,000 people live there.”

This is much better:

     “Your horse-drawn carriage rumbles along a cobblestone street. . On the edge of a harbor, you see a charmingly quaint city from an earlier day. Each house and building is over 160 years old. A brisk wind brushes across your face. Welcome to “America’s Most Charming City,” Charleston, South Carolina!  Some 100,000 people live there.”

     Rather than go over the article point by point, we’ll just point out the areas that need improvement.

     “The way of a carriage running on cobblestone streets is the same as the car.”

Try this instead:

     “Carriages and cars may be seen moving along Charleston’s cobblestone streets.” (If the reader has to read it twice to understand it, he’ll quickly lose interest. Improve it.)

     In most of the paragraphs in the article, the name of the city was hardly mentioned. Some paragraphs didn’t mention the city's name at all. You should take every reasonable opportunity to mention the name of your product. In a 30-second advertisement, your product should be mentioned by name at least three times.

     From the top of one of these hills, you can see St. Michael's Church It is the most striking building of the Charleston skyline. It rises impressively above Broad and Market Streets in the heart of Charleston's historical district.

Don’t tell people what to do; suggest it.

     Don’t say, “When you’re in Charleston, visit the Battery.” It’s more effective to say, “When you’re in Charleston, you have an excellent opportunity to visit the Battery.”

Use verbs that show action.

     Instead of saying that the food is “at many seafood restaurants,” you may say that the food “is served at many seafood restaurants.”

Avoid words that can be taken as positive or negative.

Don’t say that the food is “special.” It could be especially bad. You might say that the food is succulent or mouthwatering. There are plenty of words you can use that would encourage people to eat it.

     Don’t tell people to “relax” at a certain spot. By doing so, you’re not only telling people what to do; but you’re also suggesting that a vacation in Charleston is tiring or hectic.

Try this instead:

     “After your tour of Fort Sumter, you may want to enjoy a change of pace afforded by the night life south of Broad Street.”

Look at all the mistakes in this paragraph!

     By now, your feet must be tired. Rest in one of Charleston’s 1,500 hotel rooms! As you relax, think of all the different things in store for you tomorrow. There’s still plenty to do in Charleston.

For crying out loud! Is a vacation in Charleston that much torture?

That’s like saying, “If you go to Charleston, you’ll get sore feet. I’m ordering you to take a rest. If you think today was torture, wait until tomorrow.” (Are all the hotel rooms in one area, or are they conveniently located? The paragraph doesn’t say.)

Try this instead:

     At the close of the day, you can rest in one of the 1,500 hotel rooms throughout Charleston. As you rest, you can anticipate all the exciting and romantic experiences you will have tomorrow. There’s much more to enjoy in the charming city of Charleston.

     I’ve removed the exclamation point. Exclamation points are for excitement, not for rest and relaxation. The word throughout tells the target consumer that the hotels are conveniently located. All 1,500 aren’t in just one place. Anticipate suggests that you’re not just “thinking about” it; you’re actually looking forward to it. In the closing sentence, the target consumer doesn’t just “see” things in Charleston; he “enjoys” and “experiences” them. Make the vacation sound like a positive experience.